Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
