My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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