Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Randomize
