Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Reggie can tackle my bush.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
