someone threw a dead crab at me
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
