whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
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