It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
there is glitter all over my balls
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
