Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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