I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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