I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
