I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize