so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
