Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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