we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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