My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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