i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
