I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
