Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
