the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
