You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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