I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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