She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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