Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Is Oprah even human
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
