Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Randomize
