Plan B is the new Plan A
i already hear my dad disowning me
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Randomize
