So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
my poor anus
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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