I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize