She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
