I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
