Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
