My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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