I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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