Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
