saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
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