Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Randomize