Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize