Could you please tell me why If you were a 21 year old man why you would want to sleep with a girl who has tinkerbell bedding?
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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