Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize