You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
