i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
