Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
