sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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