My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
false alarm. still invincible.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
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