mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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