WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
