What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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