the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
