Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
