he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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