i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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