Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
