When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
