He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
