my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
