You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
