I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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