she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
